Famous Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

 

1. A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
2. Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.
3. At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
4. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
5. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
6. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
7. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
8. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
9. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
10. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
11. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
12. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
13. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
14. I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
15. I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
16. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
17. Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
18. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
19. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
20. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
21. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
22. My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
23. This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
24. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
25. What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
26. When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
27. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
28. Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'