Famous Quotes By Rita Rudner

 

1. A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
2. Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
3. I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
4. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
5. I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
6. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
7. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
8. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
9. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
10. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
11. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
12. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
13. Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
14. Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
15. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
16. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
17. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
18. My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
19. My Vegas act is how I make my money.
20. Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
21. Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
22. Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
23. There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
24. To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
25. We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
26. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.