Famous Quotes By Demetri Martin

 

1. And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
2. And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
3. But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
4. But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
5. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
6. For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
7. I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
8. I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
9. I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
10. I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
11. I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
12. I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
13. I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
14. I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
15. I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
16. I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
17. I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
18. I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
19. If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
20. If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
21. Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
22. Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
23. The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
24. The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.